Good afternoon, my name is Willie, and I’m here as father of the bride, And I am the first to give you a speech, and it’s coming from deep down inside. As you can tell I’ve thought long and hard, it really has taken some time, But just to make sure you’re all entertained I’ve turned my speech into a rhyme. As I look around the room and see all your faces, the first thing that I have to say, A big thank you for coming and joining with us to celebrate this special day. A thanks to wee Les and to Carly and Lynne, for it recently has come to light, That you were involved in the organisation of a great, unforgettable hen night. Thank you to all who have helped us prepare, and I’m sure you all will agree, That everything is perfect for my daughter’s wedding, exactly just as it should be. And so it’s finally here, the big wedding day, the knot has been finally tied, My baby girl is a beautiful bride and this father is bursting with pride. I’ll just take this chance to talk about Jen, she is of course my only daughter, She’s friendly, reliable, considerate too and always there, come hell or high water. She’s happy go lucky, and makes people smile, she makes sure you’re home safe and sound, She loves going out, having a bet on roulette, and getting dressed up for the town. Chicken pot noodles and wee tubs of fruit are up there with her tuna panini’s, She loves going for walks in the wintery weather and sun worshipping in her bikinis. She’s clever with crafts, and makes her own cards, she can really make all sorts of things, And one thing I’ve learnt is never disturb her, when she’s in the middle of playing Pirate Kings. She enjoys her pilates and is great at netball, she loves all her jewellery galore, She enjoys trips to the cinema, loves watching rom-coms even if she has seen them before. She’s a big TV fan, she loves watching TOWIE, as well as don’t tell the bride, And of course one born every minute, maybe she’s planning on my first grandchild! I always remember when Jen was just 6, in the sea at the beach while in Spain, I managed to free her from a jellyfish attack, but instead they gave Willie the pain. She’s recently bought her very first car, and, of course, it is very nice, Since I said I would help, she wanted to be safer, and the car then just shot up in price. Of course I have to mention the little bee sting, if I didn’t it wouldn’t be right, There’s no need to worry, you can believe me this time, there isn’t a bee in our sight. I’m going to miss Jen around our house, as she settles into her married life, I know she will love relish her brand new role now that she is Luis’s wife. Thank you to Luis for loving Jennifer, for the laughter and for the fun, I certainly don’t feel like I’ve lost a daughter, I feel like I’ve just gained a son. Your mother and sister have travelled so far to be with us here today, It’s great to see our families merging together in this wonderful way. So I’m almost finished, I’m just about done, I promise it will be quite soon, I’m going to pass you onto my son in law, to Luis, our wonderful groom. But before I do that, please join me in standing, raise up your glasses and then, Please join me in toasting our newlywed couple, a toast to Luis and Jen.
BEST MAN SPEECH September 2015
Good afternoon folks, Conor’s my name, and I’m here today as best man, As part of my duties I’ve to say a few words to entertain you if I can. I wanted my speech to be really good so on it I’ve spent quite some time, Because I believed it would really sound better if it was done in the form of a rhyme. I was advised to keep it quite short if I could, your attention I wouldn’t want to lose, If the truth be known I want Ciaran to hear it as he’s prone to the occasional snooze. And so first of all our congratulations go to both Ciaran and to Majella, Ciaran is lucky to have you Majella, and you, well; you’re stuck with this ‘fella’. I’ve known sheepy for about 20 years, we met up at secondary school, There he was with his big curly hair, of course he was gonna be cool. As he grew up he was always up to something, he was being a typical teen, We were chased by the police for blowing things up making fireworks for Halloween. Then there was the time we wrapped up his car, we all thought it was fantastic, He turned up to the field in search of his Corsa, and there it was covered in plastic. Speaking of cars, he’s accident prone, good cars and Ciaran don’t match, But as soon as he drove in the banger he bought, there was no sign of a dent or a scratch. But all joking aside, he is a great lad, a better one you will not find, Although he has a short temper, he’s obliging, he’s funny and kind. Of course there is only one love in his life, and although Majella is a contender, I’m sorry to say he’s deeply in love with his precious Land Rover Defender. Seriously though, a great couple they make, I’m ecstatic for my best friend, Now don’t worry folks, it won’t be too long then my speech will be at its end. But before I go, please join me in standing as I wish them good luck in their life, As I offer a toast to Ciaran and Majella, all the best to the husband and wife.
BRIDE'S SPEECH July 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please, for I have some words to say, I know it’s unusual for the bride to speak, but after all it’s my wedding day! Well, our wedding day, to be more precise, yes we’ve finally walked down the aisle, It’s well worth the wait let me tell you, I know some of you think it’s taken a while. As you’ve probably realised so early in the speech it really has taken me time, And to make it all more memorable for you, I thought I would make it all rhyme. So thank you for coming to join us today, each one of you we are thrilled to see, At Harcombe Farm, which is also the scene, of great childhood memories for me. I’m sure some of you had given up hope on a wedding from this dinosaur, But ‘Don’t Cry Daddy’ that shelf I was on won’t need reinforcing any more. I still can’t believe I’m now married to Street, a more caring man you will not find, I love him every minute of every single day; in fact he’s ‘Always On My Mind’. So what about Ian, this fabulous man, some things you may already know, Like he lived in Rugby, Fairford and Swindon but he was born in France some time ago. He’s a fantastic father, no doubt about that; he loves all his girls you’ll agree, There’s Amelia our lovely flower girl today, as well as Elise, then Chloe and Phoebe. For those who don’t know, and there can’t be too many, Ian likes to get up and sing, So don’t be surprised when you see him up later doing his own tribute to the King. Our very first date was in a Little Chef, and Ian came out with no money, I saw pretty quick his fascination with Elvis, the conversation we had was quite funny. ‘Don’t Be Cruel’, ‘Treat Me Nice’ he said, ‘Kiss Me Quick’ and ‘Love Me Tender’, I was ‘All Shook Up’ by his ‘Burning Love’, ‘I Was The One’ and had to ‘Surrender’. OK maybe things weren’t quite like that, I’ve made up some of that stuff, But you try fitting 8 songs in 2 lines, I’m telling you it was quite tough! We’ve known of each other for quite a long time, we worked for the same company, It was a training course together when I noticed his smile, then his sense of humour won me. We then moved in together and travelled the world; some places seem just like heaven, New England, New Orleans, Florida and Sydney, not forgetting Cornwall and Devon, Singapore, Switzerland, New Zealand and Spain, Czech Republic and also to Paris, Then Ian being Ian, the romantic he is, he proposed on a gondola in Venice. He’s gentle and thoughtful, patient and selfless, he’s a veggie who can sew and bake, He has a sweet tooth, he likes his desserts, and he’s partial to pudding and cake. He doesn’t drink much, he’ll be tipsy after one, he’s not really that kind of fella, He’d rather be outdoors riding his bike, or walking with our dogs, Bear and Bella. He was the first person to dress our Amelia, while singing her ‘Suspicious Minds’, He’s one in a million, no, one in a billion, guys like him are hard to find. But found you I did, and I’m happy as can be, somebody looked down from above, Thank you for making me a very happy bride, you know I just ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’. So please join me in standing and raise up your glass, I’ve certainly done it ‘My Way’, And join me in toasting to happiness forever, on this our big wedding day.
GROOM SPEECH June 2015
So now it’s my speech and thank you to Paul, for those kind words he has just spoken, And thanks in advance to my best man, John Dale, who’s words may well leave me broken. So what shall I say when it comes to my turn, I sat down and thought for some time, I know what I’ll do, I’ll say what I want but I’ll make sure it’s all done in rhyme. Tradition dictates that when making my speech, it’s on behalf of my new wife and I, But it’s not very often I get my words in, so bear with me please while I try. We would like to thank all of our parents for moulding us in their own way, And thanks for all of their efforts in making everything so special today. To everyone else who has helped with the wedding, our thanks are of course, never-ending. And for everyone who’s here to help celebrate, we’d like to thank you for attending. Now what about Claire, doesn’t she look stunning, she is the true star of the show, She looks in every way just as beautiful as when we first met, 8 years ago. With her sparkly eyes and glistening smile, she had me full of intrigue, And yes, I ‘m aware you’re all thinking it; I know she is way out of my league! That very first date we were never to know that this day would finally come, But who wouldn’t want to get married to the girl with a chin like a bum. With a wheeze when she laughs and bubbly as can be, I knew we were gonna go far, Though she’s not very keen on Sky Sports and I don’t think I dare mention foie gras! Our happiness took on another level, when Henry was born 8 months ago, How I managed to slip past them golliwogs, well I guess I’ll just never know! He’s the best little boy, and loves to give cuddles, and what’s even better is he’s ours, Though it often takes time to send him to sleep, sometimes it goes on for hours. Now being married to a teacher comes in quite handy, I know that I’m one lucky man, Because I’ll always be organised in all that I do, because for everything Claire has a plan. Of course the marriage works both ways, and as a good husband I am always there, Especially when she’s sick after drinking too much, my job is to hold back her hair. We’ve holidayed together a number of times but Turkey was an awkward situation, We both had a massage in one of them baths but it left little to the imagination. Everybody expected me to propose last year when we had crossed the Atlantic, But I did it one night sat at home on the sofa, but I’m sure it was equally romantic. There are a number of reasons as mentioned before, why I wanted Claire as my fiancé, But the main reason was, I’ve got to admit, because she could throw out dance moves like Beyonce. And when writing my speech I never, ever thought, I’d be quoting a line from her hit, But as the great diva once quoted, “I liked it so I thought I’d put a ring on it”. Now don’t worry folks, I won’t be much longer, I’d just like to tell you a tale, It’s about a good friend of mine who tells a lot of lies, and he goes by the name of John Dale. He sometimes says things that strictly aren’t true; please don’t let him lead you astray, The best thing to do is humour his lies and we’ll then get back on with the day. But before we do that, please join me in standing, and raise up your glass in the air, As I finish my speech with one last proposal, a toast to my amazing wife, Claire.
MAID OF HONOUR SPEECH June 2015
It is now my pleasure to say a few words, thank you, Mark & Anna, So I’m going to do exactly that, just not in the usual manner. As I was preparing for this speech, I set aside quite some time, And thought to myself, wouldn’t it be better if I made the whole thing rhyme. So that I did, and here we are, I’ve now got myself a poem, And you may find, despite what you thought, you actually don’t really know them. Look at Mark, the smiling groom, all happy as can be, I’ve known him since they day I was born; he’s two years older than me. We used to fight like cat and dog, we were never left alone, Thankfully though, things have changed, now that we’re both fully grown. There once was a point in our friendship, when Mark became very proactive, It was about the time he began to notice that my friends were all fairly attractive. The gorgeous bride is sitting there; proud that she’s got her man, Every much an inch of an Essex girl, she’s only waiting to top up her tan. They got together on a blind date; West Hallam Cricket Club was the place, I’m told that the night went very well, despite the chocolate upon Anna’s face. The start of a beautiful relationship, well things went more or less right, But it came as a big shock to Anna as she met the in-laws that same night. From my first encounter with Anna, it seemed she was painfully shy, I also noticed that she didn’t drink and, of course, began questioning why. But then at a family occasion, the wedding of Michael and Celeste, Anna got stuck drinking with Anthony and Ben, I must admit I was impressed. Everyone is welcome into Anna’s home, regardless of day or time, But now instead of serving you tea, she produces a bottle of wine. Some of you will already know that Mark is famed for being quite sporty, And he continues to be so despite his old age, he’s well on his way to being forty. It goes back a number of years; he was sporty all throughout school, And although Anna has not followed suit, Mark’s taught her the offside rule. Despite them being the best of friends, they still like to have competition, And none so more when playing with games in true family Christmas tradition. We’ve witnessed Mark’s antics when cheating, and his anger which comes out on show, Whenever we sit and assemble around, all ready to play Rapidough. Now Anna’s a full family member and it really now is my hope, That she stops coming out with excuses and joins us all up on the slope. Seriously though, I really am thrilled, as a couple they’re made for each other, And I couldn’t think of anyone better to be marrying my older brother. So welcome again into our family Anna, it’s great that you got together, I wish you both love and happiness that lasts for now and forever. So please all rise up to your feet, and toast with me as I say, To Anna and Mark, the bride and groom, on this, their wedding day.
BEST MAN SPEECH June 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention if I may, the reins have been passed on to me, And I have the task of being the best man at this wonderful ceremony. For those of you who don’t know me already, I’m Tim, and I’m Bernard’s young brother. And you may not know BG as well as you think as you’re shortly about to discover. It will become quite apparent that on this speech I have spent quite a lot of my time, And to make it even more memorable for you, I decided to make it all rhyme. I must first say thanks for inviting us here; it truly is a marvellous setting, But I’m not going to give much more praise than that, so I’m afraid you can carry on sweating. A few more years, with renovation complete, the house will be the best you can get But Bernard being Bernard he’s already arranged for a whip-around to help with the debt. I’m not saying he’s tight but when it came to the wedding he has canvassed looking for pledges, Just take the logo on the wedding invites, they were sponsored by Benson & Hedges. Now look at the bride, doesn’t Hannah look stunning and I’m often filled up with intrigue, About how BG had gotten fixed up with her when she’s clearly out of his league. They’ve been friends for years, maybe that plays a part, our families go back a long way, They both lived their own lives but remained as close friends and so we are here today. Though Hannah went to Oz for a couple of years, after Uni, for a bit of a wander, She missed Bernard too much and soon returned home, absence making her heart grow fonder. When they first got together a story exists although I won’t tell it all, just for the best, A late night shower is involved and a branding of Hannah with the Goodwin family crest. They both work very hard, Bernard in a foundry, as part of the family team, Hannah at Snugbury’s, also with family, and specialises in selling ice-cream. Though work means a lot and always on their mind, their love isn’t just on a whim, For Hannah loves BG ‘hundreds and thousands’ and of course she would ‘wafer’ him. Now Bernard has always called Hannah ‘partridge’, though I’m not wholly sure of that name, All I recall from a few years ago was that he had told me that Hannah was ‘fair game’. When growing up with a brother who is older, life isn’t always ideal, Although he included me in all of his games, I often got the wrong end of the deal. Only I could get a new bike as a child but still end up looking the chump, For Bernard cycled off with claims he was testing it, while I was left holding the pump. The stag do in Austria was out of this world, with 10 of us all out there skiing, With a GoPro involved catching all of the action, it’s one video Hannah won’t be seeing. Now it’s the fourth of July and over the water they’re celebrating Independence Day, And maybe we could celebrate this occasion a little even though we’re not in the U, S of A. They’re now independent of their families, don’t worry mum you haven’t lost your son, But let’s hope now that he is married he will finally get his own washing done. Seriously though, I couldn’t ask for more, a great brother, and sister in law, And now don’t worry I’m just about finished, I don’t want to turn into a bore. So please be upstanding and raise up a glass and join in with me as I say, One final toast to Bernard and Hannah, on this, their wedding day.
BEST FRIEND SPEECH May 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please, on behalf of both Vicky and Sue, They’ve very kindly asked that I say a few words to hopefully entertain you. So when I sat down with my husband Chris and thought for a good length of time, How can we write a memorable speech? Eureka! We’ll make it all rhyme. So please make sure you’re all comfy, and listen to the words that I say, As we celebrate the life of Vicky and Sue on this, their wedding day. Sue was brought up in Montgomery, Vicky hails from Stoke on Trent, It was clear when their lives first intertwined the relationship was 100%. So how well do you know the girls? Well I’m not one to blab, But they party more than Patsy and Eddie from the TV show Ab-Fab. Of course they’re proud of their two sons, you all know Sam and Ben, When they all go to the Krazy House, they still come home later than them. They also have their grandchildren, so far they number three, There’s Jonah and then there’s Brodie and last, not least Finlay. Their family means so much to them, it’s so obviously clear, As do the friends so close to them, they too hold them so dear. There’s no doubt Vicky will be dancing later, but let me just explain, Whenever she starts to lead a jig it usually ends with rain! So next time you hear the saying, “It never rains, it pours”, Think of the commission Vicky will be earning from within her Dunelm stores. Sue, however, has a different job but on the weather she doesn’t rely, She is busy working in the admin team for the girls at Prenton High. They both have many things in common, and they always make a fuss, Especially when singing a bit of Jim Reeves…with the whole of the tunnel bus. There’s no stopping them once the bubbly’s open, and they go into musical mode, I just can’t tell you how many times we’ve walked down that yellow brick road. It isn’t just the Wizard of Oz though, I don’t want to be misleading, Whenever we put Mama Mia on, we’re a supergroup from Sweden! In The Panoramic Restaurant, 35 stories in the air, Is the perfect place to celebrate the wedding of this devoted and loving pair. I still have a feeling of deja vu, like we’ve had this day before, Maybe it’s because, technically, this is marriage number 4! First one in Bold Street, outside of a jewellers, with only the two of them there, That is, apart from the hundreds of shoppers, who were witnesses but just not aware. Second, in the 90s, was at London Pride, with hundreds of thousands around, There was no question of their love for each other, but it still wasn’t legally bound. Third was a Civil Partnership Ceremony, and this time things were more real, We partied hard when we went to the Lisbon, but only after our Italian meal. Which brings us back to today and to number four, they’ve had all of their practise, They’ve actually, legally, tied the knot – finally in marital bliss. It’s now come to the time, I’m nearly at the end, there’s only one last thing to do, Please join me in standing and raise up your glass - for a toast, to Vicky and Sue.
WEDDING SPEECH May 2015
It’s now my turn to say a few words, on behalf of my wife and I, First, thanks to Vicki for her lovely speech, and of course, thanks as well to ‘Old Bri’. Big thanks to my parents, to both Mum and Dad, and the important role that they play, For bringing me up to be who I am and for making things special today. As you may tell there’s a theme to this speech and on it I’ve spent quite some time, But then I thought, to further impress, I’ll turn it all into a rhyme. Before I continue I’d like to just say a big sorry to all football fans, For the selfishness of the FA, mixing the cup final in with our plans. As is tradition I say the ‘thank you’s’, but it won’t last as long as you think, So bear with me please, and don’t worry folks, I already need some more drink. The next person to thank is our bridesmaid, there’s no chance we could have missed her, For those of you who don’t Amy, she is, of course, Sophie’s little sister. Finding her dress has been torturous, I thought they were facing defeat, But they found it just at the last minute, thank God I won’t see the receipt! The bridesmaid and parents have all had their thanks, now it is time for another, A great usher he’s made, has our Dan, of course, he is my big brother. There’s plenty of people who have made it so special, I feel like I am losing track, There’s two little boys who have been magic today, a big thank you to Finlay and Jack. Of course there’s the readers who did a great job, of that we’re both very glad, So thanks go out to both Ron and Tom, and of course my very own Dad. And just a quick shout to my Best Man Steve, he’s certain to fill you with laughter, But whether I thank him is premature, I will not decide until after. Right back to the script, this bit’s a filler, just to give the poem its flow, The next thank you really is the big one – it’s for Sophie, the star of the show. I’m actually married to the woman I love, there are so many words I could say, But I really should thank you first of all, I’m so grateful you turned up today! You are the love of my life, and I’m lucky to have such a stunner, And I‘d have hated preparing this whole speech, if you were preparing a runner. But you did turn up, and I’m so very happy that our love will last forever, We were never to know that very first time when we chatted online together. Marrying Sophie is a really great feeling, one that will never be matched, She’s literally had a seven year itch but hopefully now that’s been scratched. We both met online, and on our first date, obviously keen to impress, Sophie got excited and flung a dough ball off a table in Pizza Express. But what can I say about my new wife, apart from, of course, she’s the one, She’s a student nurse, gorgeous to look at, and stands at only 5 foot 1. She’s clever and witty, selfless and generous, extremely hard working and sharing, She’s known for her cheekiness and occasional moods, but she’s also very helpful and caring. She always seems tired, at least when with me; maybe it’s me who is boring, I was a little worried about the length of this speech in case she began with her snoring. For the odd few of you who don’t really know Sophie, a picture may just be unravelling, She likes pretty things, sewing when there’s time, and loves nothing better than travelling. She loves Simba and Inka our rabbits, and the guinea pigs she used to adore, Fifi and Normie will always be remembered although they’re not here anymore. She’s known to enjoy the odd drink; it’s usually cocktails or wine. And she’s sensible enough to know when to stop, normally after eight or nine. But now the bad news, I’m just about done, you’ll shortly be hearing from Steve, He often tells lies, and makes stories up, so be careful which ones you believe. No doubt he’ll go on about terrible deeds and mention some dubious crime, But don’t hurt his feelings, go along with lies and laugh at the appropriate time. But before he steps up, please hold up your drinks and join in a toast with me, To all who have helped make today a success, and to my beautiful wife, Sophie.
WEDDING SPEECH May 2015
Hello everybody, my name is Andrew, and I’ve been up most of the night, But I’ve finally finished my wedding speech - it only took 13 years to write. These things always look easy when I’m sat watching them on the tele, But having to get up and do it myself turns my insides immediately to jelly. It has finally arrived, our big wedding day, I am happy it’s finally here, Which means the grooms speech, have you got my point yet? It fills me with absolute fear. But a wedding in Ireland, what could be better, you Irish all love the craic, And so I will try, while reading my speech, to throw you some banter right back. A Newcastle accent can be tricky at times, particularly for a narrator, I hope you can pick out most of the words without the need for a translator. But back to the speech and as you can tell it’s taken a lot of my time, And it’s certainly not a coincidence that every line ends up with a rhyme. I’ve practised and practised and practised, but no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t get used to saying the words ‘on behalf of my wife and I’. But now the reality has finally kicked in, and we’re here on our wedding day, And so on behalf of my wife and I, a few thank you’s we’d just like to say. A big thanks to Joan’s parents, to Barbara and Joe, their support has been so unreal, For all of the effort they have put in today, and for paying for all of the meal. They immediately welcomed me into their family and gave me a great list of jobs, Like cleaning the windows, cutting the grass and sometimes cutting the logs. There’s also my parents, thanks Mum and Dad, they deserve quite a lot of the glory, If they hadn’t been so supportive to me life could’ve been a whole different story. Now on for more thank you’s, what about the bridesmaids, they both look glorious today, You’ve both been a great help especially to Joan, so thank you to Val & Eime. I’d like to say thanks to my new brother in law, the fabulous groomsman Ian, And for the fabulous food which we’ve eaten today, thanks to the chefs led by Cian. There is a man who’s always by my side, he’s a truly great best man, But I think I’d like to save my praises for Mark until after he’s spoken if I can. Another family member who deserves a big shout is someone who’s always there, So thank you for being so wonderful, that’s of course my sister Claire. Thanks to Noel and Josie at The Piper Inn, and all of their wonderful staff, And thanks to Eilish for the cake and Elisha for the photographs. The next big thank you is to Father Donnagh, he stopped us from feeling nervous, And plenty of credit must be heaped on him for conducting a wonderful service. Next on the list to receive our thanks is Eime for the lovely invitations, And thanks to Anna and the rest of the gang for their wonderful decorations. Look at the place, it just looks fantastic, and I know it has taken them hours, And I really must thank Anna a second time around for providing all of the flowers. Thank you to Doug, Andy and Jack for keeping the music flowing, One kept singing, one kept fiddling and the other just kept on blowing. A huge big thank you to Marguerite Wallis for really being of such assistance, For giving Joan a good roster at work so we could get together despite the long distance. I’d also like to thank everybody else who has gathered here today, Particularly those from overseas, some who have travelled quite a long way. Right now that’s over and we’ve thanked quite a lot, I have one last thanks of my own, To a fantastic woman, who’s now proudly my wife, of course, this thank you goes out to Joan. She’s truly amazing, and she is my best friend, I’m the luckiest man in this Universe, To be married to the girl with massive hair and funky glasses and who’s also one hell of a nurse. So what could I tell you about my wife Joan, obviously I could go on a bit, She doesn’t like birds, but loves drinking coffee, and clearly she likes to keep fit. Tapping my fingers and not blowing my nose are both things that cause her to grumble, As well as starting on a new packet of biscuits, and whenever I allegedly mumble. She was born and raised in County Clare in a small place they call Ogonnelloe, She likes to have a good laugh, is caring and considerate and is hard working like Barbara and Joe. We’ve been planning this day for almost five years since our engagement at Edinburgh Castle, Again thanks to everyone for helping today it has saved me quite a lot of hassle. I could go on forever of our stories together but there’s one that cannot be beat, It’s about black woollen socks, paper towels and waxing, and involves Asians massaging my feet! Seriously though, this wedding is amazing and I’m so pleased you’ve all taken part, And Joan you look absolutely stunning, I’m not surprised you have taken my heart. But now the bad news, I’m just about done, you’ll soon be hearing from the best man, He often tells lies, and makes stories up, but that is all part of his plan. No doubt he’ll go on about terrible deeds and mention some dubious crime, But don’t hurt his feelings, go along with lies and laugh at the appropriate time. But before he steps up, please rise to your feet and without further delay, Join me in toasting my newlywed wife, to Joan, on our wedding day.
BEST MAN SPEECH April 2015
Good afternoon to everyone, and welcome here today, My name is Jim and I’m best man, and have a few words to say. They said to make it funny and make sure I entertain you, Of course it is the best man’s duty, and I’m just one of two! In preparation of this speech, I had really spent much time, But what would make it memorable? I know, I’ll make it rhyme. When I told Nigel it was finished, I could feel all his fears, But then I promised I wouldn’t mention his quiff or his big ears. Of course you know the reason why you’re all gathered here, It’s to celebrate the wedding of Nigel and Maria, So how did these two meet, you might sit and ask yourself. Well Nigel, he was getting old, and stuck upon the shelf. Mia was on Nigel’s course, and he has since confessed, He was demonstrating physical restraint while performing an arrest. I’m not sure he was joking but Nigel has once said, The very handcuffs that were used are still fastened to his bed. Now I’ve known Nigel years, we’ve always been quite pally, Ever since we were 11 and had met up in the ‘Valley’. He was always very sporty, brilliant at them all. In cricket he could bat and bowl, and play rugby or football. He was also quite the gymnast, though I know you’re asking how, For he’d struggle doing star jumps or a forward roll right now. The reason is very simple it didn’t take too long to figure, He’s simply gotten older and his bones have gotten bigger. He used to be a pro golfer, he could tee off with such strength, But as Mia often points out to him, it’s not all about the length. I’d like to give a special mention to Gaz and Rob, because They’ve returned the favour to Nigel and come all the way from ‘Oz’. Now Nigel loves his Audi A6, he says it’s second to none, But despite his moans about BMW’s I know that he wants one. With Jona, Gaz and Oz, along with Rob and Lee, On a Friday night round Worksop we were happy as could be. Poor Nigel though, he never really had much luck with women, The drunker he got in the Conservatory, the more his hopes were dimming. But how the times have changed and he’s got himself a wife, And he’s also got a masters from the University of Life. He claims to work for the police, though that’s not his real vocation, Life’s a lot less glamorous in fraud investigation. At Cheltenham on his stag day, Cookie had that losing feeling, Things got worse when a pub threw us out, accusing us of stealing. Thankfully though, it wasn’t true, that could have made life hell, Instead of being sat with us he could still be in a cell. But as you can see it’s all worked out, and we’re joyfully sitting here, Now please stand and join me in a toast – to Nigel and to Mia.
MY WEDDING SPEECH February 2015 It’s finally here; it’s our wedding day, It’s not quite the norm but I’ve some words to say. Not to embarrass, or kick up a fuss, Just to say a few words about both of us. So where did it start, this match made in heaven, At a conference in Manchester in 2007. At dinner that evening Matt was unaware, That when he went to the loo I’d jump in his chair. I was slightly drunk and it could’ve spelt the end, But as you can see, we both remained friends. Two years went by, our relationship bloomed, And we became an item (though tequila was consumed). But enough about us, I don’t want to bore, What about Matt, the man I adore. In renewable energy his knowledge outshines, But it’s led to an obsession with wind turbines. Born and bred locally, in a town called Heaton, He’s travelled the world, his tales can’t be beaten. Sheffield to Canada, Finland to Prague, You can rest assured that Matt’s left his mark. He is a ‘beautiful accountant’ and has ‘LA looks’, Trading the Hollywood spotlight for cooking the books. He’s recognised everywhere, but everyone knows, It’s not for his beauty, it’s for his ‘Bennett nose’! He knows what he likes and has several desires Like beautiful sunsets and log burning fires, Roald Dahl books and star littered skies Are equal to the Lake District in Matt’s eyes. For Isaac and Matteo, Matt very much cares, And has a soft spot for polar and grizzly bears. Of course there’s his love of Liverpool FC, He said he’d only marry John Barnes, or me! He’ll drink anything, as people have found, Whether he likes it or not, he’ll stick to the round. Another side of Matt I would like to address, Is how he’s well known for his sporting prowess. Sometimes he’s watching, sometimes he takes part, Football, cricket, tennis and darts. As for mixed netball, I don’t think he’ll go back, Despite excelling when being goal attack. He’s always the fastest when we’re out for a jog, But only because he’s being chased by a dog. He likes a good drink, some people have said, A real ale, or a whisky, or a full bodied red. But his nights on the ‘Toon’ aren’t fun anymore, Yet it’s still 3am when he falls through the door! It’s never his fault, he wants me to know, It’s Gary or Rich to blame, or Russ, or Joe. Matt is romantic, I’m sure you agree, Especially when given whisky for free, After a distillery tour he decided to propose, Whether alcohol influenced him, well, who knows? He’s fond of his underwear, it’s close to his heart, He won’t throw it out ‘til it’s falling apart. I often transfer them from wash basket to bin, But somehow he notices and brings them back in. A few weeks of dating and back in my flat, I realised I was falling in love with Matt. And surely I would need no more proof, Than the night of kick boxing when I lost my front tooth. He’s a laid back guy, easy to please, I think back to the wedding of Nick and Louise, After walking 4 hours in search of our B & B, Matt was more than happy to sleep underneath a tree. We made it back eventually despite having no map, Though Matt got all the scores on his BBC sport app! On fancy dress nights we’re both very keen, We’re always prepared, no matter what theme. As the cast of Toy Story we got in the paper, I’ve also been Robin to Matt’s Caped Crusader. He turned out as Ken which suited my Barbie And now we are married which makes me so happy. I’m nearly at the end; I’ll cut to the chase, Every single day you put a smile on my face, The best thing you did was came into my life, And no I’m so proud that you’ve made me your wife. Now please raise your glasses wherever you’re at, And join me in toasting my new husband Matt.
"This is brilliant, thanks so much" Louise - Bride
BEST MAN SPEECH September 19th 2014
Good afternoon folks and welcome to the wedding, This is the moment that Danny’s been most dreading. Of course I’m so proud to be his best man, And it’s my duty to abuse him, well, just because I can. Hopefully by the end, you’ll feel you really know him, Just to make it more unique, I’ve done it as a poem. Please sit back and listen while we delve into the locker, Of a really great friend and cousin, Danny, our cocker. So where did it all begin, for today’s star of the show? In a little place called Thornaby, 27 years ago. My earliest memory is, from back when we were kids, We both were playing with Lego, as that’s just what you did. Long before Candy Crush, Angry Birds and The Sims, Those were the glory days when you played with actual things. Sat at the top of the stairs, he started arguing with me, And ended with his eye scratched sitting in A & E. We didn’t fall out though, as you can probably tell, It also meant as we grew up there’d be more stories as well. Growing up when we were kids, we thought we were dead cool, I was giving him a croggy outside a primary school. He slipped forward off the seat; imagine now, the shame, When Danny got his tail trapped between the tyre and the frame. Fortunately for him though, the result was just a blister, But he could have ended up as a Missus not a Mister! Coming up with more stories, it really had me thinking, How most of them seemed to involve excessive amounts of drinking. There was a time in Whitby once, with Danny & with Philly, We walked around with clown hats on; of course we just looked silly. We were 18 and drunk though, we simply didn’t care, All our money had been spent, including our bus fare. But somehow we had managed, and somehow we survived, God knows I can’t remember paying for that taxi ride. Now he’s marrying Katie, he’s batting out of his league, Maybe it’s his nipple hair that fills her with intrigue, At least he’s in proportion, you can see by his big nose. He’s even bigger down below – you should see his toes! Now telling little white lies is ok I suppose, When he takes his dog walking is Katie aware of where he goes? To the Horse & Jockey Pub, sorry mate I’ve ratted, After two quick pints he runs like hell so the dog is totally shattered. When on a night out though, it’s Danny you can depend, On sloping off home early, never staying ‘til the end. So after 9 o’clock tonight we’ll keep our eye on you, Especially if you tell anyone that you’re going to the loo. Now ladies and gentlemen, I’m nearly at the end, So please be upstanding for my cousin and my friend, And please join me in a toast for the new husband and wife, (RAISE GLASS) To the newlywed couple, Mr & Mrs Lyth.
"It's brilliant, I really didn't think it would be as good as that. Thanks again." Daryl - Best Man
MY WEDDING DAY February 2013
It’s finally arrived, it’s our wedding day, Though unusual for the bride, I have some words to say. Please sit back and listen, it won’t take too much time. And to make it more memorable, I’ve wrote it in rhyme. It really amazes me to see so many here, As I sent some of the invites after having a beer. The text was sent out but instead of typing ‘Trust’, It said come to our wedding held by the National Thrust. Now for those of you who came just because of that text. Please don’t sit there bored, or looking rather vexed, As especially for you we have done our best to cater, But that saucy party game will be played a little later. I’d like to share some memories of special people here today, The doors have all been locked so there’s no chance to get away. I thought I’d keep identities hidden, but then I thought again, What the hell, I thought to myself, the first one is about Jayne. Friends for twenty years, it goes back to our mums, I’m almost one foot taller but that don’t stop us being chums. I want to take you back a few years if I can, To that time when you used to drive that little Citroen Diane. It was one of the quirkiest cars that I had ever seen, You would stop then a minute later my head would touch the windscreen. Then there was that swimming cozzie I kindly lent from you, It was great until I left the pool to find out it was see through. Then there is Lisa, she is the life and soul, She enters free into nightclubs by dancing on a pole. She came to my rescue though, when the wind picked up high, And I was caught by my earrings hanging out to dry. Then there was Bertha, her very first car, With its tendencies to stop, we never got far. We could handle the stalling and the pieces of rust, But we’d never have thought it would spontaneously combust. And so back to my list, Amanda is next, She’s done a fantastic job with the table decs. She’s a creative genius, where do I start, It’s like having your own modern day Tony Hart. We like to go swimming whenever we can, Though things don’t always go according to plan. With a contact lens missing and a bash to the head, We come back out looking like Laurel & Hardy instead. It’s over three years since me and Dawn met, We had one day out together I would rather forget, I jumped on a roundabout and what followed was a farce, My trousers split open and exposed my arse! All the way from Wales, there’s John and Michelle, These two are mad, yes, as barmy as hell. They took us up the bit orm, right to the top, But on the way back down the car decided to stop. Then up from Portsmouth, Judy’s with us today, And I can still clearly remember that very funny day, She first came to my house, I went out to move my car, And 8 year old Sam made her sing Kum By Yah. Now to our families, to Pete and to Trish, The best ‘in-laws’ that I could ever wish. When I first went to their house, I went for a wee, But I broke the toilet lock and they forgot about me. I was stuck in there for ages, I almost started crying, That door would just not open, but I never give up trying. You’ve brought up Paul right, a job well done, In fact when it comes to ironing there’s no-one beats your son. So now back to my list, but not too serious, I want to tell you how my washing line’s mysterious, I would hang my clothes out when they were soaking wet, And they would come back ironed by the fantastic Margaret. She’s a great Nan to Sam, the best that he could want, She asked for a knife and fork in a McDonald’s restaurant! When my ironing board got stuck, that filled her up with mirth, Especially when I landed on it and looked like I was about to surf. So who is next on this everlasting poem, Oh yes it’s Dad, or Tom as you may know him. A real practical joker, always playing tricks, But he sometimes looks shocked when he hears of my antics. We know when he has been, because he thinks it is the law, That you have to leave the bins outside of your back door. He was one half of the duo Tom and Jerry did you know? Not the TV cartoon though, it was a 70s disco. Also thanks to Linda, and her kindness ever showing, With surprises for the kids her bag is overflowing. Then there is our Andrew, he’s like a brother to me, He’s always there to help, and a brilliant postie. Although you might see today, him treading gingerly, You see he always ends up with some kind of injury. Looking down my list there are another two, Naomi and Mattie, my niece and nephew, First to Naomi, I cannot tell you lies, I still can’t help but laugh when I think of jazzercise. You see, we both used to go, but my shopping list meant more, While everyone was dancing I was still laid on the floor. Mattie is now 18, you never would have guessed, But you watch the roads as he’s now passed his driving test. There are two absent friends who have sadly passed away, I know my mum and sister would have really loved today. For although they are not here, they’re here still with me, There is a special place for both of them in my memory. Mum always made me laugh, like when we would go shopping, If a song came on she liked, she would suddenly start bopping. For embarrassing tales, she’d never let me down, She put the dog in a wheelbarrow and rode it through the town. Then there’s my sis, I miss you a great deal, Especially the phone calls to help me make a meal. We’ve had to carry on, though sometimes I don’t know how, I just really, really wish you were here with me now. Not too many left now, though the rest are very good, Two special people sat there, my Auntie & Uncle Pud. We’ve had our heart to hearts, and spoke from deep inside, We’ve cried and laughed, and then some more, and then we laughed and cried. My Aunt really is one of the nicest people you could meet, She once rescued a hedgehog but it turned out to be a sugar beet. Then there’s the kids holiday present with which we were all surprised, A pair of rounders bats wanting marijuana legalised! But you really are the cavalry; you’re there when I feel down, But on my wedding day, the cavalry won’t ride out of town. Don’t worry folks not long left; I’m very nearly done, The next to get a mention is of course, Sam, my son. He loves being taller than me, stands out in a crowd, We’ve shared great times together, he makes me very proud. There was just us two for a while, but we still had a laugh, And I think he finally learnt that they’re not called a gingeraffe. When washing our clothes we should not mix the load, As Sam once had my knickers velcroed to the back of his school coat. I hope he’s not embarrassed, I bet he has one wish, That I don’t tell mention of the time he was stroking the fresh fish. Then there’s my daughter Erin, who looks gorgeous as can be, She sometimes is a handful, but always filled with glee. She picks up naughty habits, must be from Dad and Mum, Like when the cinema cleaner bent over and she smacked him on the bum. Sometimes she’d get mixed up with words, confusion then arisen, Like instead of saying heaven, she’d say Nanny Pat had gone to prison. She once stuck a sticker on my back, after nursery you know, “I’ve done a poo on the toilet today” it said as I walked around Tesco. And so we’ve reached the end, I’d like to thank you all, Oh ok I have a little more, about my husband Paul. We first got together way back in December 02, A younger man, and the same height – this really was a coup. It feels much better marrying a man who’s only 39, That’s why we squeezed the wedding in – he’s 40 in two days time. He thinks that I have worn him down, I think this may be true, You see when we first met at work he stood at 6 foot 2! He told me that he worked closely with the SAS, Of course that’s a computer program but how could I not be impressed. He’d never be James Bond, there’s some risks he just won’t take, Like putting on a dressing gown without giving it a shake. He’s terrified of spiders but he should be more bolder, Just because he found one once sitting on his shoulder. To save carrying shopping he offered instead, Then I hit him with a snowball on the back of his head. He is a romantic deep inside, the things that he would do, Like trying to save me when I fell off a jetty, although he then fell in too. Seriously though I love him to bits, he’s all I ever wished for, He’s given me a great 10 years and I hope there’s many more. He’s so supportive when times are bad, we hate to be apart, He does everything with me in mind and for that I give my heart. To finish off can you please stand and raise your glasses one and all, To the most fantastic man in the world, to my new husband, Paul.
MY OWN WEDDING SPEECH 25th October 2008 Thanks, Uncle Frank, and so now it’s the time To give you my speech (yes of course, it’s in rhyme!) I had a great speech all written for today, But now that I’m married Nat has told me what to say. For those who know me rhyming speeches I do quite often write, But to write my own wedding speech has been a sheer delight. As we get underway with our next stage of life, I’d like to just speak on behalf of me and my wife. I have plenty of thank you’s, but the first thing I’ll do Is give you a bit of history about the newlywed two. I first met Natalie, a long time ago, But we didn’t get together until 4 years ago. She was a vision of beauty on Matt’s wedding day The say you find love quite often that way. When she walked through the door, well my jaw it just fell, I ran up and kissed her – she was as embarrassed as hell! Time it did pass then came 2007 When I asked her to marry me – it was a match made in heaven. We got our own house with our very own bar For a stoppy back or party we wouldn’t have to go far. And so to today – it’s finally here It’s took 28 years but Chris has bought me a beer! Abusing Chris about rounds well in speeches it’s a law, Shut up you cheeky bugger or I’ll buy you no more! I’ve been in my current job for nearly 8 years, And ever since the start there’s a man who really cares. Anthony has been giving me his advice on married life, But despite his greatest efforts I’ve still got myself a wife. No seriously now, important words to say, I’d like to thank all our guests for turning up today. They say that a good party is only as good as the guests, Then I know when we look back then this one will have been the best. Thanks for all the good wishes, the presents and cards you have gave, If there’s any more to come just give us a wave. A very big thank you to my own mam and dad, They’ve brought me up superbly; well I’ve not turned out too bad! Mam throughout my life you’ve been a shining light, And you constantly remind me that mams are always right! Dad you are a hero, what more can I say, You certainly impressed Natalie on National Cheese Toastie Day. But again thanks for all your help with the run up to the wedding, Thanks for your advice with the direction we were heading. Your contribution’s been immense thanks for a memorable day, With your help you’ve made our wedding special in every way. My next set of thank you’s is for uncle Frank and Ton. I sincerely wish to thank them for the extra lengths they’ve gone. Ever since I met Nat’s family they always welcomed me Whether I stayed at Ton’s house in Ayton or was at Nana’s for tea. Frank leads me astray sometimes in Tons house, on the lash, The lasses used to go to bed and we’d stay up singing Johnny Cash. Frank I want to thank you for the role you’ve played today, For the massive support you’ve gave us and for giving Natalie away. Ton, oh Ton, a massive thanks is going to you too, For bringing Natalie up so wonderful, she’s a great credit to you. Poor Ton’s shy and hates a fuss and of course I respect that, You just can’t say the same though for her daughter Nat! Thanks to our top ushers to Dan and to Chris They both said it’s an opportunity they would never miss. It was like watching discovery channel – never knowing when one pounces, Or more realistically – having Laurel & Hardy as bouncers. Their wallets are bulging see the gold they’re adorning. That’s because they picked your pockets as you passed them this morning. Thank you to Cody who done very important things, He safely delivered our wedding rings. And what about the bridesmaids? All gorgeous as can be 7 fantastic young ladies (ahem) – no seriously! To Sonia, Amy and Vicki – part of the hen night crowd, Thanks for working so hard and making the pair of us proud. Emily, Summer and Millie and little Gracie Mae, You all look beautiful as our bridesmaids today. And so my first toast if you could please be upstanding, Is to Page Boy and Bridesmaids who have all been outstanding. If you’d like to sit down again before I restart I’d like to say a few words from the bottom of my heart. As I heard the wedding march and saw Natalie at the door, My eyes had never seen such beauty my mind was filled with awe. You look absolutely stunning you take my breath away And the best part of this life is that I love you more every single day. Not only am I marrying my very bestest friend, We both know we will be together until the very end. While I’m talking about my wife I’ll do something very odd, There’s not many grooms speeches which quote a bit of Rod; “My love for you is immeasurable, my respect for you immense, You’re ageless, timeless, lace and finesse, you’re beauty and elegance” And so ladies and gentleman on your feet please be And toast with me my amazing wife – a toast to Natalie. I’ll shortly hand you over to my best man, my brother Matt, Who threw the best stag party ever there’s no doubt about that! We set off to Blackpool on the morning our backpacks fully loaded, And I knew the stag night would be a classic after our minibus exploded. So here we go sit back and listen I feel a little queasy, Matthew Woodgate, my best man – please just take it easy.
GROOM SPEECH 8th September 2011
It’s finally arrived; it’s our wedding day, And apparently as groom, I have a speech to say, So sit back and enjoy, it won’t take too much time, But to add a little excitement, I’ve wrote it all in rhyme. As you might have guessed, my name is Paul, And as you know I’m shy and don’t say much at all. But the first thing I have to say is I’m a lucky man, To have sat beside me, my new gorgeous wife Leanne. Next on my list of the things I have to say, Is to give a great big thank you for coming here today. I really do appreciate you’ve come from near and far, You could have gone a little further to get me a drink from the bar. And as the story goes, I met Leanne ten years ago, She fell in love with me instantly, though she didn’t actually know. It took another four years until the light she came to see, After her birthday celebrations when she came right on to me. Yes I emphasise Leanne chased me, I could see her starry gaze, That’s the truth, honestly, no matter what she says. She loves to go out shopping; the bags appear in piles, But I get her back with footy, and watching the X files. When I popped the question – you’d expect a soppy story, But it doesn’t quite cover me in all romantic glory. On the London Eye, I would become a potential groom, But I bottled it and ended up asking back in the hotel room. A child is for life, not just for Christmas as they say, And I thank both sets of parents, well, for paying for today! Without their love and support we wouldn’t have got so far, And once again I thank you for making us what we are. I have got to give a special shout to our fantastic lads, Lewis and Jacob - I hope you end up like your dad! They’re two fantastic boys though often wild and loud, But I will speak for the pair of us; they make us oh so proud. And so back to the script, if you could all be upstanding, (wait for everyone to stand) While I mention all the bridesmaids who really look outstanding. Rachael, Victoria, Lindsey and Louise, Can everyone raise their glass and toast the bridesmaids please. (Toast: “To the bridesmaids”) There’s my other set of lads who of course you couldn’t miss, They look like they’ve just come from the scales of justice. No they are the greatest ushers you could have at any party, So please come up for gifts Leon, Dave, Gary & Marty. The real star of the show is my newly wedded wife, And she looks absolutely stunning; she is the love of my life And so please all stand again, and join me if you can, (wait for everyone to stand) As I prepare my final toast – to my gorgeous wife, Leanne. (Toast: “To Leanne”) And next it’s the speech of my best man, We never spill our secrets do me and my mate Dan. So that’s enough from me, and now I’m feeling queasy, As I hand you to my best man, please just take it easy.
FATHER OF THE BRIDE SPEECH FOR MARIE & IAN 7th April 2011
First of all folks I’ll introduce me, My name is Jim, I’m the father of Marie. And on this speech I have spent much time, Then I decided to make it rhyme. Thanks to the guests who have travelled so far, You could have gone that bit further and went to the bar. My speech won’t be too long so in your seats please stay, No seriously now you’ve all helped make the day, So what about Marie, the star of the show, She’s made me so proud as you already know. The things I could say would fill a number of pages, You see I’ve known our Mitzy for absolutely ages! She has a number of talents, where shall I start, Perhaps the most obvious, she’s very skilled at art. She is into her music, loves it with a passion, And of course we can’t forget her lusting for fashion. While at Birmingham Uni she had a splendid abode, It was located in a place – the famous Charlotte Road! Margaret was worried about poor little Mitz, Because it looked like the house had been caught in the blitz! No glass in the windows and if you think that’s a beauty, There was a team of squirrels on night watch duty! If you stayed there yourself you would have thought you were dreaming But because of the squirrels it really was young girls screaming. Then she moved on – to the disco in the cellar, The last occupant was that Fred West fella. Again, that did nothing for the worries of my wife, But Mitzy being Mitzy had the time of her life! Seriously though, Marie listened when we taught her And in Ian we’ve found a bloke good enough for our daughter. When she wanted to marry him the only reason I let her, Was because Ian admitted my fashion sense was better! Yes, Ian’s a good lad, quite a decent man, And we’re proud to welcome him to the Coleman clan. He’s not only my son-in-law, he’s become a good friend, Now don’t worry folks I’m nearly at the end. So can you all raise your glasses and stand for the toast, We’re the proudest parents in the world and not afraid to boast. Our Mitzy has found joy with a special person in her life, And they’re sitting here today as husband and wife. So Ian, can you put your hand on top of Marie’s please, And cherish the moment and remember how it feels, Coz no matter what happens and whatever you’ve planned, This is the last time with Marie you’ll have the upper hand. And so don’t worry folks – one more it’s about all from me, PLEASE TOAST THE NEWLYWED COUPLE – IAN AND MARIE!
BRIDE SPEECH Friday 30th October 2009
Once again welcome to our very special wedding, This is a part of the day which I am excitedly dreading. For a bride to do a speech, well, it goes against the grain, But I feel I need to say, well, most of the things I’m saying. If it wasn’t for my mum and brother we would not be here today, You see me Jon met online – and no it wasn’t on eBay! It was them who set me up on an online dating site, Without my knowledge, may I add, but I still found Mr Right. That was roughly 6 years ago in November 2003, Who would have thought at that time that Mr Right would marry me? Jonathon or ‘thebogis’, however you know him best, Well there is just a little something that makes him stand out from the rest. He’s a power station operator and from his boss he always learns, He’s a model student and employee – think Homer Simpson and Mr Burns. What do I see in Jon is a question you may well ask, Well I thought I’d write down some of the things – in itself that was a task! No seriously look at him, what is there not to adore; His lovely brown hair (although slightly grey), his green eyes and wait, there’s more, His big broad shoulders, rugby players legs and of course his cheeky smile, And throw in his childish sense of humour; it makes him top of the gorgeous pile! So what’s he like around the house, how does he fill his nights? Well he’s been known to play runescape and poker, or go out flying kites. He likes his back being scratched, his hair being brushed and a few pints in the pub, But he hates bad driving, reality TV, and whenever there’s fish in his grub. We’ve had some great times already in our short time together, You’ve gave me memories which I will cherish forever. Jon picked me up on our very first date as my car wouldn’t start, He was my knight on four wheels and he instantly had my heart. Centrica Christmas parties have a lot to answer for, In fact after 2007’s I’m surprised we were allowed to more. Things were going well; the night was going fine, We had a bit of a hand jive with “Don’t blame it on the sunshine” But we blamed it on the boogie when the bar was calling time, When Jon found out we’d drunk more than our quota of company wine. In the car on the way home, Jon’s santa hat – I took it, And proceeded to introduce myself to my santa sick bucket! Seriously now, I really know he is the one for me, Even though I only get flowers if it’s ‘buy one get one free’. Please bear with me a little longer, there’s not much more to say, I must mention to Elena and Louisa who look beautiful today. Just remember if you’re with a man and a jewellers he takes you in, Be careful that you don’t come out having agreed to marry him! And now to Jon, a little secret, that I want you to know, I love you so much, and to be honest, you had me at ‘hello’! So please ladies and gentlemen, will you upstanding be, And finish off with a toast, to Jonathon, and me.
"Says it all and made me laugh - poem was fab! Would recommend to anyone who needs a poem doing" Joanne - Bride
FATHER OF THE BRIDE SPEECH 1st September 2007
First, introductions – my name is Chris, And this is the day I would never, ever miss. I’m the father of the bride, and have a few things to say, Thank you for being here on this special day. I know Stacey & John will be both full of pleasants, Especially to the people who gave them good presents! My beautiful wife Jan, she’s really been a wow, Without her hard work we wouldn’t be here now. Thanks to all the guests who have travelled so far, You could have travelled a bit further and gone to the bar. It’s great to see the Norton lads giving up a day at the Boro, I did write to Sky Sports and ask if they’d move it to tomorrow! The wedding’s taken time and patience to arrange, There’s been tough decisions, but there’s nothing we’d change. I’d like to thank Fr Michael for the words he was saying, And for a beautiful service and the Church looking amazing. I’d like to thank the florists for the great effort they’ve made, And of course not forgetting our gorgeous bridesmaids. So what about Stacey, the star of the show, She’s made me so proud as you already know. For over 19 years she’s made us happy all the time, I know she’s 21 but for 2 years she was a swine! Everything she’s tried she has excelled in, Whether it be the cadets, running or when she was swimming. She was a shining example all the way through school, She can even explain the offside rule! Which reminds me I have to have words with you John, Fancy getting married when the Boro match is on! She’s the perfect role model for Nicola and Em, And has always been there for the pair of them. So now a few words about my son-in-law John, As soon as I met him I knew he was the one. Before Stacey met him I sent her on a mission, Make sure he buys beer and is a competent electrician. Well one outta two ain’t bad – as a sparky he’s fab! But as for buying the beer – you should see his bar tab! For dodging his round he cannot be beaten, (Unless you’re including Christopher Deaton!) Seriously though, Stacey listened when we taught her And in John we’ve found a bloke good enough for our daughter. He gets on well with the family, he’s a hard working lad, He’s made my daughter happy and so made me a proud dad. And I haven’t forgot Caitlin, I just wanted to say That she looks gorgeous and has been fabulous today. John’s not only my son-in-law, he’s become a good friend, Now don’t worry folks I’m nearly at the end. So can you all raise your glasses and stand for the toast, We’re the proudest parents in the world and not afraid to boast. Our Stacey has found joy with a special person in her life, And they’re sitting here today as husband and wife. So John, can you put your hand on top of Stacey’s please, And cherish the moment and remember how it feels, Coz no matter what happens and whatever you’ve planned, This is the last time with Stacey you’ll have the upper hand. And so don’t worry folks – one more line and I’m gone. PLEASE TOAST THE NEWLYWED COUPLE – STACEY AND JOHN!
"Absolutely amazing poem! The speech has been talked about ever since - definitely recommended" Chris - Father of the Bride
BEST MAN SPEECH 27th November 2004
Again, welcome folks to a very special day It’s the wedding of these two, what more can I say For those who don’t know me, my name is Dan I was the church organist, and now the best man On behalf of the bridesmaids, shifty and me I’ll say a few words, won’t be long hopefully So Matthew and Emma have both took their vow But the highlight of the day is coming up now Matthew is my brother, you may or may not know And it’s my job to talk about the star of the show I’ve known him quite long, in fact, all my life! And in Emma he’s found a wonderful wife I had to say that, but I know you’d agree Well I’m sure you would with the threats she gave me! Let me tell you a bit about Mat He’s fond of his vodka, I bet u know that He’s caring, he’s unselfish, he’s fun to be around, He’s generous and sensible, his feet are on the ground He’s witty, he’s charming, your day he will brighten What’s this one say Mat, I can’t read your writing We’d often used to fight, as you would assume But when I couldn’t be bothered, I’d lock him in a room I must first thank the lads, the stag night was great! Except Chris got grounded for coming home late Tommo and the sheep looked a fine pair The video’s on the net but we won’t go there Then there’s the handcuffs, too small for Mats wrists And the Irma Gobb stalker who loved him to bits Matty’s a sportsman, as you can see Well, maybe not as sporty as he used to be He first took up hockey, we played in the yard He never got the hang, and found it quite hard Tennis ball for puck, and a brush shank as stick His career cut short when it impaled his dictionaries Come in handy when writing in rhyme We all like to cheat from time to time Anyway, he liked playing footy, did our young mat He played against girls on the field at the pats Cant remember why, charity or something Which probably explains why he was dressed as a woman A girl broke his foot and he cried please, no more Then aunty Janet trapped his fingers in the door Its fair to say that it wasn’t his day And he’ll never play football with girls again he did say Subbuteo, transformers, he man, and more He loved playing with them til he was 24 It was 23 really and please, don’t mock it I could show you the photo of him playing with polly pocket! Boro FC was the love of his life Until he met Emma and has made her his wife Steve McLaren sent a card and he says what he thinks “Keep away from the boro, your nowt but a jinx Since you left boro for emma, the boro have grown And it seems to have started once you stopped going The Carling Cup, Europe, now 4th from the top The best thing you did was your allegiances swap!” How did they meet? You might ask yourself When Mat was single, and sat on the shelf One night in Jumpin Jaks, it was Emma he adored He chatted her up and was promptly ignored But then she remembered he’s not just a bore She thought she had seen him somewhere before It must be from college, she only presumed But from then on the relationship bloomed We knew it was love when they first started dating She’d come in the car and sit round the corner waiting They bought their own house this year, around June We knew that the parties would follow real soon Its nice that they’re near, and not out of sight And its somewhere to sleep when I’m pissed up tonight! And once this is over the real party is soon They’re both off to Dublin on their honeymoon I thought it was to Wales, the home of the leek Just Mat said he was going to Bangor all week! Seriously though, a great couple they make And I’m nearly in tears, just like the cake I’m near the end, you’ll be pleased about that But before the toast, some advice for Mat To keep a marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup When you are wrong, admit it! And when you are right, shut up! And so folks, the time has now come When you do your bit, and get off your bum I’d like you all to stand and your glasses raise To Matthew and Emma, and for the rest of their days!
"Class - it had everyone in stitches from start to finish" Matt - Groom