First of all thanks, for coming tonight, of course I have something to say, I’m usually the quieter one of us both, but because it is Janet’s big day, I’ll say a few words, but only a few, coz Jan doesn’t like a kerfuffle, And I know that you’re all desperate to sing and throw out the Thornaby shuffle. Now as you will know, I was 50 last month, and Jan, well she’s been quite naughty, For the last 10 years she’s been living a lie, see she tells everyone she’s still 40! She didn’t want much, just a few friends, a social gathering, she said, A social gathering? Is she having a laugh? I’d much rather party instead. Now obviously you all know Janet, so there’s some things I don’t have to mention, Like the fact that she is opposite to me - she doesn’t like all the attention. She didn’t want bother, she didn’t want chew and she didn’t want much of a fuss, She didn’t want it mentioned in the Gazette or along the side of a bus. She didn’t want sparkles, she didn’t want balloons, she just wanted a quiet affair. She didn’t want a great big song and dance, it would all be too much to bear. She didn’t want presents, she didn’t want gifts, she has quite enough as it is, She didn’t want a toast with champagne or whisky, not even a glass of bucks fizz. She didn’t want a cake, she didn’t want a buffet, she didn’t want to mark the occasion. She didn’t want dancing, she didn’t want singing, she didn’t want a big celebration. She didn’t want pictures of her in a bikini, now that would be too much to take, But I might be about to get an arse kicking, when she sees the top of the cake. She didn’t want to get drunk tonight, it’s not clever and it’s not big, Oh that reminds me of the last time you drunk – I’ve dug out your old pubic wig. Do us a favour, grab this Em, don’t worry of course it is clean, Though it took me 6 six spins in the dishwasher and 10 bottles of Mr Sheen. She’s not normally out until this late, and I’ve got to be conscious of time, You see she tells these terrible jokes, but the rule is not before 9. So what else about Jan, she always makes pies, though tonight it is a relief, Dan’s hidden a secret for a number of years – I honestly don’t like corned beef! For those who have known Jan only a while, she hasn’t always been a childminder, She was a biker chick back in the day, her nickname was Janet the Grinder. OK so maybe it wasn’t, she has never been called that, never. But it is true she once was a biker, and was kitted out in all the leather. When we first started dating, I thought to myself “you’ve done well son”, To get fixed up with a gorgeous biker, who was slipping me pints in the Nelson. There is also a dangerous side to her, that is not often witnessed by you, She seriously considered a belly button piercing or getting a henna tattoo. Then there’s the time in Tenerife, the map Jan didn’t need to check, We promptly got lost and only got back at the end of a 5 hour trek. I remember once she ignored me, for a number of days, but hey, She’d book up to swim with dolphins, but turned up to go the wrong day. It was Woolacombe Bay, back in the day, the kids were having a ball, When she rolled down the hill, face planted the floor and ended an inch from the wall. Now all of these are a thing of the past, please can you rise from your chairs, (PAUSE) And join me in raising a toast to my wife, to Jan and the next 50 years.
Love from Chris xxx
"As always Dan has produced the goods" Chris
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOMINIC February 2014
Happy 18th Birthday to Dominic Hayes, I know it will be one of those special days. And what better way to celebrate this time, Than the gift of a canvas with a personal rhyme. Back to the poem, and there’s one thing I know, You were born on this day 18 years ago. Originally from London, and then you turned one, Germany beckoned, and like that you were gone. You stayed on the continent until the age of nine, Moving closer to home and forgetting the Rhine. You calmly took the moves in your stride, Now that brings us to Brecon where you currently reside. A very good scholar, with ‘A stars’ to your name, A keen sportsman too, with Rugby your game. Captain of the team and Senior Cadet, Your achievements just prove you’re as good as they get. Tall, handsome and slim, as well as dark hair, They’ll want you as Bond in a couple of years! To qualify in medicine is your next real aim, You deserve to have Doctor at the front of your name. For your friends and your family you always have time, Especially for Betsy, your favourite canine. More of your moments I’d like to record, You won The Lord Brecon Scholarship Award, Your moving address on Remembrance Sunday, And you singing as a tot in the nativity play. They all contribute to the making of you, And make me so proud of the things that you do. So many positives, there really are loads, As a brilliant Grandson, you’re worth a thousand odes. Keep up the good work, and you’ll continue to go far, Happy Birthday Dominic, with love from Oma.
"Dan captured the theme and mood of this poem for my late son Stephen's first born child Dominic perfectly. Am I pleased? No - I'm delighted! Do not hesitate in enlisting Dan and his talents for that special person or event." Veronica Castillo-Guevara
NAT'S 30th BIRTHDAY
The surprise was a bloody good un’, Natto didn’t know, That there’d be 40 friends and family hiding in the casino. I’ve never ever done this sort of thing before, So I’ll try to be exciting, not too much of a bore. You’ll have to just excuse me please don’t start to groan, I usually have it all typed up, but I’m working from my phone. A poem about Nat, I thought it might be tricky. So I’ll stick to what she’s used to – I’ll just make it a quicky. She has finally turned 30, about bloody time! She’s reminded me each day since she was twenty nine. You probably all know things Nat is famous for, But I feel it is my duty to inform you of some more. Her timekeeping is awful; she never arrives on time, In fact tonight you’re lucky that we made it here by 9. I’ve come to terms with that though, that she is always late, But one thing is for sure, she is always worth the wait. She’s recently took up knitting, how’s about that? And I think she’s in the process of making your Christmas hats. Click, click, click, click, click, click is all I ever hear, As the house is taken over by all Nat’s knitting gear. She’s not a very big drinker, although she thinks sometimes she is. It only takes two pints, that usually does the biz. Now Nat’s a brilliant driver, but even she’ll admit, That despite her driving skills, she gets lost quite a bit, But Chris is always there to direct Natalie. But why do you always end up seeing signs for Wetherby? She doesn’t have many faults, she is a marvellous lass, And my life is better with her, she does sometimes kick my ass. I like her and I love her, and I can’t say more than that, Other than please raise your glass to make a toast, to my amazing Nat.
PAUL & PAM POEM
After suffering years of abuse, From your quick wit and poetic views, We’ve suffered the flack, But it’s time to hit back, As we know you’re two friends we won’t lose.
It’s from a good crowd that you know, Who were with you at school long ago, It was quite different then, We’ve turned from boys to men, But that supplies us with years of ammo.
It was Pam at Burnt Mill you were eyeing, And it’s certain - there is no denying, That there was every chance, There would be no romance, If she hadn’t been the sister of Brian.
You both went to work for BP, Paul received a car from the company. A Porsche he was given, And it was very well driven, Not bad for a guy from IT.
Travelling is high on your list, There are not many places you’ve missed, You’ve still got the bruises, From one of your cruises, Though it’s not from the booze you insist.
It only takes one to say ‘let’s go’, To have you walking abroad al fresco, There’s certainly no doubt, You’d be fully kitted out, With thanks to the points from Tesco.
Keener gardeners we have not met, Their efforts we cannot forget, Only two complaints - One’s Pam’s wet paint, And getting soaked by Paul’s sprinkler jet.
A fact that is worth us repeating, Paul’s DIY cannot be beaten, Pam’s there to assist, This perfectionist, Just look at his underfloor heating.
Unfortunately now is the time, When we bring an end to this rhyme, But please don’t be sad, Your age ain’t that bad, In fact you are just in you prime!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA
Happy Birthday Grandpa, you’re 80 years old today! On behalf of our family, we’d all just like to say, We’ve put our heads together, it has took effort and time, But come up with some life stories; and we’ve put it all in rhyme.
So where do we begin? Well of course it all depends, You were born as John Shipton, but it’s JK to your friends. It was 80 years ago since that very special event, You were born in 1932, in a place called Folkestone, Kent.
As you grew older, a woman entered into your life, Her name was Kay, from Australia, and she became your wife. Another bit of info which your friends may or may not know, Is that the pair of you were married over 50 years ago.
The father of four children, and they are all here tonight, And as a testament to you, they have all turned out alright. You gave them the best chance that they could ever have had, And all four are very proud that they can call you dad.
Then comes the grandchildren, there’s 8 on the family list, There’s Sophie, and Phoebe, now who else have we missed? There’s George and there’s Arthur, there’s Henry and there’s Sam, And not forgetting Josie and Jack, who complete your little clan.
If there’s anyone we’ve missed, then it was not our intention, Though there is another person who we would like to mention. Whether driving for you or gardening, or general house repairs, Karl has been very important to you for over 30 years.
So just what does Grandpa enjoy, this worldly wise fellow, There’s nothing he likes more than when he’s playing his cello, Classical music and opera are what he listens to in the main, He would love to be a conductor if he had his time again.
He likes to go out shooting, but I swear it’s just for fun, And he’s been known to slip to St Morizt, to join the Cresta Run. He also loves his speedboats, and once, in his heyday, He raced his beloved Dr Syn from Putney to Calais.
The holidays we’ve had were great, like Christmastime in Devon, Or spending time in Obergurgl – it’s simply skiing heaven. Yes those times were wonderful but at the end of the day, You cannot beat a family summer at your home in Sandwich Bay.
Another favourite story from those of which he tells, Is how he loved to end the evening with a dance at Annabel’s. He used to have a party trick which involved a glass of wine, But we won’t make you do it now, we haven’t got the time!
He has lived a fulfilling life, on that he was hell bent, There’s not many who can say they were the High Sheriff of Kent. We’ve inherited the family whistle, which we’re all grateful to have, It’s a great tool when we get lost – it’s far better than sat nav!
You really are the best Grandpa, you always love a laugh, And our poem’s almost at the end, but before we all say ‘Haf’, This is just a simple poem, you’re worth a thousand odes. Happy Birthday from everybody! We all love you loads.
HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY
Happy Birthday Bob, you’re 40 – Hooray! In the form of a poem my words I will say. The stories are true, although told in my
way, So let the fun begin on this your
You were born way back in ’71, When the flares were kicking in and the
free love had gone, As a beautiful baby you were second to
none, So how did you grow up to look like
This present is a gift, a real piece of
art. And I must first say I love you from the
heart, Now then brother where on earth do I
start? As kids with matching haircuts we
couldn’t be told apart.
Sticking with our youth will suit me just
fine, We seemed to like to fight, well some of
the time. There’s the incident with darts and the
washing line, And again it was your fault, it rarely
A Scandinavian cruise with the church
group, how swell! Is another little tale I’d now like to
tell, You had packed your own suitcase and
really done it well, But you came back with the same clothes
on and a bit of a smell.
You have a thing for cars I suppose we
could say, But luck with them hasn’t always gone
your way. Like when the police decided to crash
into you one day, Or the time you were desperate for the
Not everything can end up in that kind of
mess, You went for a job, you went to impress, Clearly white socks were not the way to
dress. And another time you went to work with
one eyebrow less.
There’s a couple of people who fill you
with pride, And help you along as you take life in
your stride. Your love for them both just cannot be
denied, It’s great to see Helen and Bex with you
stood by your side.
There’s plenty of stories to pick off the
heap, But because it’s your birthday I won’t
make you weep, I’ll save them for another time, but in
my head I will keep, The famous story of you and the party of
And so this poem is nearly at an end, I must make it clear it was not meant to
offend. Once again my birthday wishes I’ll send, To a man who’s a great brother and also a
Lots of Love, Vikki xxx
"It's very good, thank you so much, it's brill!" Vicki - Bob's Sister
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A WONDERFUL PAPA
It’s your 60th Birthday - Happy Birthday Dad, And I’ve wrote you a poem, I hope you’ll be glad! Your life began back in 1951, But back then I don’t think you were known as ‘Big John’. It was to be your nickname, perhaps you weren’t to know When you were a wee laddie in Lesmahagow. And I bet back then you would never have guessed That as a Dad and a Papa you would be the very best! As a story of your life it just wouldn’t be right Not to mention the Bhoys who play in green and white. Going to the matches always gave you such a thrill Unless the result ended in Celtic scoring nil. Then there’s DIY, standing for Do It Yourself, But to you I’d recommend that you Get Someone Else! One “Glasgow Fair” Friday turned out to be a bummer, When you nailed the water supply and we couldn’t get a plumber! On a more serious note happy birthday Dad, You’re the best father I could ever have had. And there’s no way I’d change you, not one little jot, Because I’m so lucky to have the father I’ve got. The day of my wedding, when you gave me away, Is a fantastic memory, I’ll always cherish that day. At the back of the church, I just couldn’t wait! Your tie needed sorting but it was worth being late. You’re a great family man, we’re all well aware Of the love for your grandkids, both Jamie and Kerr. When you don’t shave and you grow out a beard, Jamie thinks it’s Christmas because Santa’s appeared! You have always been there, like a rock for me, And not me alone, for the whole family. When we are at our weakest and need to be strong, We know you are with us to guide us along. This is just one poem, you’re worth a thousand odes, You’re one amazing man and we all love you loads. So Happy Birthday Dad in your birthday joy we share, With lots of love from Stacey, James, Jamie and Kerr.
TO MY HAPPY QUAFFER
Happy Birthday Cath, it’s years since you were born, And as a special birthday gift I give you this horn. I know you will enjoy swilling and swigging it out, Whether it is deep draughts, or dark ale or even a stout. You’re a seasoned drinker, considered a pro, There’s not much about drinking you don’t already know. Hops and aroma’s – you’re the brewery queen, You’d drink it if it were pale or dark, and probably green! When you’re with your yak’s horns it flows like a fountain, A skill you were taught by the yak’s on the mountain! There’s no brewing formula you cannot equate, Whether it come from a bucket, a cask or a crate! But all that is part of the makeup of you, As well as the ironing (which I know you love to do!). And so another year gone by, it gives me a thrill, To give you this gift, happy birthday, love Phil!
OUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER OLIVIA
To our gorgeous Olivia, our little baby girl, You are a bundle of joy, the best thing in the world. We fell pregnant a year gone May, But were told by the Doctor you wouldn’t be here today. You were once round and chubby but now you’re not at all, You’re growing long and thin – you’re gonna be quite tall. It must be from your Dad’s side; I’m only 5 foot 2, We think you’ll tower over me just like all the Fowlers do! Whether you will end up that tall we are yet to know, But we can say for certain that you have the Fowler toe! How can we describe the toe, how best can it be put? Well, basically you have a thumb on both your hand and foot. Although your Dad’s a teacher now, you may never be at his school, But don’t you worry Olivia, you’ll learn the offside rule! And then when you are old enough, you’ll get the Liverpool top, And no doubt if your Dad gets his way you’ll be with him in The Kop. The way your blue eyes sparkle and (at the minute) your auburn hair, Will make us smile from cheek to cheek as you age from year to year. We have to mention Rocky, our lovely Labrador, Who, every time he sees you, wants to clean you more and more. You really are our miracle - we shout that out aloud, The most beautiful baby in the world and you make us oh, so proud. And so on this special day, it’s our chance to formally greet. Our daughter Olivia Hope Fowler, who makes our life complete.
Your loving Mummy & Daddy xxx
"Oh Dan it's absolutely beautiful. It made me laugh and cry. You truly do have a wonderful gift. Thank you so much." Sophie - Olivia's Mother
HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY
Happy Birthday Carole, my wonderful wife, I hope you’ve enjoyed your 40 years of life. As a very special treat on your 40th birthday, I’d like to make a short speech; I’ve some rhyming words to say. Ever since we got together 20 years ago, My love for you has grown and will forever grow. You’re my number one woman, you make me so proud, You’re the best wife and mother and I’ll shout it out loud. For John, George and Harry you’ve always been there, And they’re a major part of the memories we share. You’re great at your job, admin support for the youth You are one in a million and that’s the truth, You’re bubbly and outgoing and that is not a fable, You are locally famous for drinking people under the table. You can be stroppy and sulky but it’s not always the case, You like to watch and play tennis – you really are an ace! You have numerous talents, you have an ability to talk, You can also do the splits and then get straight up and walk. You’re handy to have around you love ‘Do It Yourself’, So I know where to go to unblock drains or put up a shelf. You like going to the gym and eating good food, But you hate pubic hair and people who are rude. When it comes to babysitting, you cannot be beaten, Unless you include the time when paint was being eaten. But to talk about your life wouldn’t be complete of course, Unless we gave a mention to your favourite – Jack the horse! To compete for your affection I wouldn’t win the race, I will always be second string to Jack, at least I know my place. For myself and the kids, you’ve been our shining light, And we hope that you enjoy your birthday night tonight. So again Carole, my love, you’re worth a thousand odes, Happy Birthday to you, I will always love you loads.
HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY EILEEN
Happy Birthday Eileen! You’re 70 today, And on behalf of the committee I have a few words to say. I bet you’re sat there wondering – what the hell’s he wrote, But honestly it’s all good for our queen of the letter tote. You are our own CCTV with one eye on our screen, Nobody comes through the door without them being seen. You have a go on everything sometimes you even win, But we’re quite pleased when it’s you because you reinvest in gin. As long as you’ve got gin you’re as happy as can be, But on a Monday night you’ll have a cocktail, or two, or three! I don’t know who was more excited when you asked me for Sex on the Beach, But unfortunately it’s not that type it’s the one with Vodka and Peach! You used to be a barmaid and I know you’ll help us out, So next time we are short staffed I’ll just give you a shout. We know how much you love the club so it really is no shock, That when looking for a place to move, you ended up around the block. We hope you have a good night tonight and rearrange your car, Because it is your birthday we’ve put on a later bar. So please accept these flowers as thanks for what you do, And let me once again say, Happy Birthday to you! Best wishes from all of the committee at The Pat’s